I haven’t written this myself I readily admit – but it is still very funny…
- The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from ”Miffed” to ”Peeved.” Soon, though security levels may be raised yet again to ”Irritated” or even ”A Bit Cross” The English have not been ”A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from ”Tiresome” to a ”Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a ”Bloody Nuisance” warning level was during the great fire of 1666.
- The Scots raised their threat level from ”Pissed Off” to ”Let’s get the Bastards”. They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the frontline in the British army for the last 300 years.
- The Welsh are presently at the alert level of ”someone is out of key”. Should things get more serious they’ll issue an injunction to bring back Aled Jones. The highest level is a ”choral muster of Men of Harlech”.
- The Irish remain at the long standing security level ”Provisional”. The next step is to cordon off the Guinness brewery with armed Garda. Assuming the Guinness holds out, the highest level is ”whoever you are you’re asking for a fight – begorrah”.
- The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from ”Run” to ”Hide”. The only two higher levels in France are Collaborate” and ”Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country’s military capability. It’s not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert.
- Italy has increased the alert level from ”Shout loudly and excitedly” to ”Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: ”Ineffective Combat Operations” and ”Change Sides.”
- The Germans also increased their alert state from ”Disdainful Arrogance” to ” Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: ”Invade a Neighbour” and ”Lose”.
- Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
- The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
- Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.
- The Canadians have been unable to define their threat levels for lack of agreement over the translations from English to French. However, having already won two World Wars despite hindrance from their allies, they are not unduly concerned, and if necessary will bail out the Americans, British and French again regardless of sentiment in Quebec.
- New Zealand has also raised its security levels – from ”baaa” to ”BAAAA!” Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister’s bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is ”Shit, I hope Australia will come and rescue us”.
- Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from ”No worries” to “She’ll be right, mate”. Three more escalation levels remain, ”Crikey!’, ”I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend” and ”The barbie is cancelled”. So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.